updated. from CHUD.com Movies for May
THE PROGNOSTICATOR - MAY
05.02.05
By Dave Davis, Devin Faraci, Russ Fischer
Welcome to the Prognosticator, CHUD.com's little crystal ball that lets you look into the movies for the month ahead.
While some people thought that the big summer season would start last weekend with Hitchhiker's and XXX2 clogging up theaters, it turned out that people weren't ready to hit the movies en masse just yet. May's status as the first month of the summer blockbuster cavalcade is safe again, and with Episode III hitting in a few weeks, you can guarantee asses will meet seats.
This edition of Prognosticator we have made the listings interactive with the newly refurbished Fetal Films Report - just click on the name of any film and get whisked away to that film's page, where you can get all the info you need as well as links to other articles where we act like snotty stuck up bastards!
May 6
*Kingdom of Heaven
Russ Says: Orlando Bloom once again takes up the sword. This time, the wayback machine has sent him to 1184, where he's led to Jerusalem by nobleman Liam Neeson. There he finds a leper king overseeing a divided Christian settlement which might have been built by ex-pats from Helm's Deep and Gondor. On one side: the violent Templars, led by Brendan Gleeson. On the other: a temperate Jeremy Irons. Outside the walls lurks Saladin, the wise, brilliant Muslim commander who made westerners look like greedy infidels for what seemed like a hundred years. The Templars want war; Irons wants peace and Orlando wants a plot of land and a hairdresser to call his own.
Prognostication: In theory, entertainment should lie somewhere between Ridley Scott's now routine battles and the endless political discourse. With so many script pages and Ridley's good intentions, something should cohere around cool actors like Neeson, Gleeson and the awesome David Thewlis, who should really think about picking a name to rhyme with his co-stars. I know Nick liked it well enough, but I must have dozed off when that cohesion took place. Did I mention that I like David Thewlis?
Official site:
http://www.kingdomofheavenmovie.com/House of Wax
Russ Says: A bunch of rich (dig the expensive cars, yo!), dumb and ultimately disposable teenagers camp in the wrong woods en route to a football game in New Orleans. These teen idol everymen (and women) irritate the wrong hicks, who then herd them into forced employment at Madame Tussaud's on Hollywood Boulevard, which everyone knows is, like, a total hellhole. Our heroes ask instead if the crazy rednecks can just dip them all in hot wax. Said rednecks grudgingly oblige. Oh yeah, three of the kids are Elisha Cuthbert, Paris Hilton and Chad Michael Murray.
Prognostication: Anyone who digs pretty kids getting killed for doing really dumb things will jump all over this. The film's pulse could be graphed like so: Setup; boring; boring; death scene; boring; boring; boring; death scene, et al. I do have to give the flick credit for living up to the R rating, and even emulating that nasty-ass fire extinguisher scene from Irreversible. But only a little bit of credit.
Official site:
http://houseofwaxmovie.warnerbros.com/Crash
Devin says: In the city of Los Angeles over a period of 36 hours, a number of lives get intertwined as Paul Haggis, the writer of Million Dollar Baby and namesake of the grossest fucking food ever, makes his directorial debut. He's aided by some pretty hotshot actors like Don Cheadle, Larenz Tate, Sandra Bullock, Thandie Newton and Tony Danza, in a role that will make you believe he's really washed up.
Prognostication: No one fucks anyone else's wounds in this film. Do not confuse this with the Cronenberg film, since that was interesting and, by comparison, realistic. My review of this one will be up ASAP, but let me tell you in advance that it's Magnolia 2: Where Have All the Frogs Gone? But keep in mind that I really, really like Magnolia and this is a pale imitation. Essentially it's obvious that this was considered Oscar bait at some point (it's set at Christmas time, aka, "Hey Oscar, lookit me!" season), but this won't be the one that wins Cheadle his long-deserved naked gold man.
Official site:
http://www.crashfilm.com/May 13
*Unleashed
Dave says: Jet Li plays Danny, a childlike man raised as a fighting canine (the movie once went by the less Seagal-like title Danny the Dog) by the evil Bob Hoskins. When he escapes and is befriended by a blind man (Morgan Freeman), he begins to learn things about the world that he'd never had the opportunity to experience, like piano concertos and handjobs. Then Hoskins returns and Danny knocks the crap out of everybody. The movie comes from the team of director Louis Leterrier, producer/writer Luc Besson and co-writer Robert Mark Kamen, who also all worked together on The Transporter.
Prognostication: Those whove only seen him in rubbish like Romeo Must Die and Cradle 2 the Grave probably dont know that Jet Li is also a solid actor in addition to a martial arts whirlwind, and it looks like Unleashed is attempting to balance both. Its also pretty much the only chopsockey flick this summer, and besides, who hasnt been anxiously anticipating a team up between Li and Morgan Freeman?
Official site:
http://unleashedmovie.com/Monster-In-Law
Devin says: J Lo walks dogs. For a living. Get some ambition to match that ass, woman! Anyway, she doesn't seem to be able to find a man she can make it work with - until one day she meets secret agent Michael Vaughn from Alias. The two seem perfect together until his mom gets in the picture and tries to screw everything up by siding with the Vietnamese.
Prognostication: These are bad days to be Jane Fonda, when some dude will spit in your face because of what you did forty years ago. Also, you're starring in a movie with that girl from Gigli. Hey, at least you aren't stuck doing that tomahawk chop with one of the world's richest and looniest men anymore. And while nothing about this film says to me, "I will not punish your eyes!", it does feature Will Arnett, Gob from Arrested Development. Somehow I don't think that's enough to get any of you into a theater to see it. And by the by - notice how the poster doesn't feature the stars at all?
Official site:
http://www.monsterinlaw.com/*Layer Cake
Devin says: Did you know they have gangsters in England? You might not because no one has ever made a movie about them before. And yes, for those of you who are impaired, that was sarcasm. Matthew Vaughn, who produced the Guy Ritchie gangster pics, makes his first directorial effort here with another gangster film, this one about a no-named drug dealer (played by is he is or is he ain't James Bond, Daniel Craig) who is trying to make an early retirement but who finds out that they keep pulling him back in, Pacino style.
Prognostication: If, like me, you're allergic to the hyperactive work of Ritchie, don't worry - Vaughn has created his own visual style here that's more indebted to the 70s. And he's made a pretty good film, as well, heavily reliant on a twisty and turny plot. So reliant, in fact, that the impenetrable accents of some of the gangsters on display may leave you making educated guesses as to what the hell's going on at any given moment.
Official site:
http://www.sonyclassics.com/layercake/Mindhunters
Russ Says: Because 'profilers' or 'people who know a lot about crooks' isn't good enough, the FBI has to call their psychologically-trained operatives Mindhunters. When you've got such a cool name, you also get a nifty home base; in this case, a training island where these agents learn to hunt serial killers, form dubious personal relationships and squeeze into too-tight body armor. When a class of seven discovers that a serial killer is actually in their midst, they simply accept the irony and try to solve the case. Who's doing the dirty work? Is it Val Kilmer? Man, I really hope it's Val Kilmer.
Prognostication: Nearly two years after its planned opening, the death throes of Miramax cough up this flick, which is already available on DVD in much of the world. I don't care if Renny Harlin directed this, shot eighteen potential endings, and edited it into oblivion during the movie's extended post-production. (He did.) I don't care if Christian Slater and L.L. Cool J. share the screen with Val Kilmer and Johnny Lee Miller. (They do.) All that matters is that Mindhunters seems to be one of those Val Kilmer work for hire projects that are always good fun, even if they're rarely good.
Official site:
http://www.miramax.com/mindhunters/Kicking and Screaming
Dave says: Will Ferrell plays an average guy who coaches his sons soccer team, and he finds himself facing his own competitive father (Robert Duvall, of all people), who coaches his own young spawns team. They each go to excessive lengths (with a lot of yelling, I imagine) to ensure their team wins the championship. The movie is directed by Jesse Son of Bob Dylan, which may be the most interesting thing about it.
Prognostication: It seems like once a week I see a newspaper article about some enraged jackass parent who injures or kills someone because they take their kids sports too seriously. Add in a dysfunctional family, and what could be funnier? Maybe some bunnies getting hit with hammers or a nun being dragged under a speeding vehicle? Jesus H.R. PuffenChrist, I really wish Ferrell would find a worthwhile movie.
Official site:
http://www.kickingandscreamingmovie.com/index.phpMay 20
It's Over.Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Russ Says: It all comes down to this. On a molten landscape, Anakin Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi fight for the fate of the Jedi order and the universe. If, when I was a kid, you told me that the sixth Star Wars film would not only exist, but be called Revenge of the Sith, I would have been joyous. I could probably have even accepted the idea that it would take 22 years to hit screens. But those two decades, and two intervening episodes, have tarnished the hilt of Obi Wan's classic lightsaber. Does Lucas have a winning rally in him?
Prognostication: There's not a lot of grey area -- either the last two films were crap, or they weren't. Either you want to see Anakin become Vader, or you don't. Either Star Wars was a formative voice in your love of cinema, or it wasn't. Actually, when I write it out like that, there is a lot of grey area. I do know that I'm ready for it all to be done, and that failing to see Episode III would be like not flipping a defiant middle finger at a cheating ex as they walked out the door. In other words, for me, seeing this film will be a futile, pointless gesture which can't hope to encapsulate the elation and pain this relationship has caused. And it's a gesture the universe would never let me avoid.
Official site:
http://www.starwars.com/Dominion: Exorcist
Dave says: In the first version of what would ultimately become Renny Harlins latest FX-filled monstrosity, Paul Schrader focused more on theological aspects with a young Father Merrin (Stellan Skarsgård), who finds his faith tested while battling the demon that would eventually spin Linda Blairs head.
Prognostication: It doesnt really matter if the films any good (saying its superior to Harlins version is like having only one kneecap mauled by badgers instead of both), since the most interesting thing about the dueling Exorcists is the scandalous events behind the scenes. That the studio would even allow it to be seen is somewhat surprising, although releasing it on a few screens against another prequel, Lucas space juggernaut, ensures a restricted audience of only the most morbidly curious non-Star Wars fans.
Official site: Nope!
May 27
The Longest Yard
Devin Says: You know you woke up in an alternate reality this morning when not only is Adam Sandler in a remake of a Burt Reynolds movie, but he's playing the Burt role. In his continuing attempts to branch out from Opera Man and shouting as comedy, Sandler goes to prison as Paul Crewe in the remake of the 70s football classic. Crewe is an ex-NFL star who ends up in a tough prison where he ends up organizing an all-con football squad to go head to head with the sadistic guards. Chris Rock appears as Chris Rock, and Burt Reynolds plays an old man with absolutely no shame.
Prognostication: In the 70s nobody trusted authority anymore. Now nobody cares. The subversive elements of the original film get lost as we get the 7 billionth take on how a ragtag group of lovable losers (who just happen to be rapists and murderers!) can get it together and win the big game. That said, Sandler comes close to making you believe he's a flabby ex-jock. He's got flabby down perfectly!
Official site:
http://www.longestyardmovie.com/Madagascar
Russ Says: Since we can no longer get away with telling jokes where a Catholic, a Jew and a Shaolin monk walk into an abattoir, Dreamworks has to make movies with plots like this: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer and Jada-Pinkett Smith voice Central Park Zoo animals who find themselves en route to Madagascar. At first they think it's that goofy theme bar on 3rd St. where you can get purple martinis, but then they (and the audience) realize the destination is actually that island where Marlin Perkins used to hang out.
Prognostication: Best things first: one of the supporting characters is voiced by Sacha Cohen, better known as Ali G. Don't expect much of the bite of Borat, though. The film's somewhat geometric designs look decent, if a little too Adobe Illustrator, but the tone comes off as pure 'stand by while we whip up Shrek 3'.
Official site:
http://www.madagascar-themovie.com/-----
* = my picks.
This post has been edited by sulfur: May 3 2005, 02:41 PM
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Topic: Upcoming Films (updated May 3) (Read 212 times)