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Off Topic Forums => General Chat => Comedy Forum => Topic started by: LESTAT on April 19, 2006, 03:12:00 PM
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Major League Gaming, the first professional video game league (of course there's a professional video game league) has just announced that the MLG 2006 pro circuit will be broadcast on the USA Network, finally catapulting the grueling challenge of video game competition into the fast-paced world of professional sports. I don't know about you, but I can't wait. . .
"And we're back! This is Rick Riviera in Chicago, with Josie McLellan from Game-itude Magazine; Mitch Miskelli, the first kid to ever get a perfect score in Super Mario Brothers back in 1985--"
"I'm not a kid, I'm 37 now--"
"--and Game-Ho.com's Mr. Freeze, and we're here at the 2006 Boost Mobile Major League Gaming playoffs. First up is the Halo 2 competitions, where Josie has the news. Josie?"
"Thanks, Rick! It's been an exciting game so far, and the players aren't giving an inch. JaiBen327, 13-year-old captain of the D'ohBoyz, has been playing Halo 2 nonstop ever since he torrented a stolen beta copy in the summer of 2004, and he's bringing all that experience to the field this afternoon. But the Pwn Wolves want it just as bad. Mr. Freeze?"
"JaiBen327 is indeed an incredible player. In the last heat when his mother interrupted his precisely timed melee attack to make him take out the trash he kept on sticking people right and left, getting three more kills without ever spilling the bag. His final doublekill was stolen, however, when the Pwn Wolves' Juxtapose took off JaiBen327's overshield with a PP and BRed him just as JaiBen was switching from the BR to the shotty. Bad luck, there. Mitch, what did you think?"
"Hey, did I ever tell you kids about the time I found out how to jump Mario into the secret coin level?"
"Yes. Josie, how did JaiBen327 take that last death?"
"I got to talk to him right afterwards, Rick, and here's what he had to say. JaiBen327, how do you think this season is turning out for you?"
"Good, good. We got the MS sponsorship, and that's really helped with the replacement gear and the private jets and everything. Sure cheered Dad up!"
"I'll bet it did. I notice that you use the claw technique, with your middle fingers on the controller buttons leaving your thumb in control of the stick. Do you find that gives you the advantage?"
"Actually I am no longer able to bend my hand in any other direction and must be fed and clothed by my support staff."
"Bummer! In your last game you had just made an incredible no-shield melee/BR kill that had the crowd jumping in their seats when you were vaporized in a rocket attack immediately afterwards. Do you regret the move?"
"Regret is a name, Josie. Whoops, I'm spawned! Later!"
"Any last words, JaiBen327?"
"PWNZORS!!!1!1!!1one1!"
"Thank you, JaiBen327. Back to you, Mitch!"
"What are you people saying? Are you speaking English?"
"Thanks, Mitch. Rick?"
"Well, the crowds here at GameSpot Stadium are really going wild today. Excitement is high, and the
Goodyear Covenant Dropship is circling over--"
"Wait, check it out, JaiBen327's in trouble!"
"You're right, Mr. Freeze. He's back in play but Juxtapose was spawncamping. It looks like... yes... yes... 0wned! JaiBen327 is down for the count. Josie, can you see what's happening there?"
"Juxtapose just took out JaiBen327 and now it looks as if he's preparing for his signature move. Yes, he's squatting... there he goes! And the crowd loves it, Rick!"
"And that brings us to halftime. The MySpace Marching Band is firing up their MP3s but stay tuned for our incisive and painfully exhaustive mid-game analysis. One last word from Mitch. Mitch?"
"I don't understand any of this. People actually pay to watch kids play video games? Where are your parents? Why am I even here?"
"Because we needed someone old enough to buy beer for the championships. We'll be back with the Smash finals right after this word from new Mountain Dew Intravenous. Drip the Dew!"