Post by: desertboy on February 09, 2004, 01:56:00 AM
Post your jokes in this thread best 4 wins (1 eeprom per person) the winners will be picked 7 days from today.
All eeproms are supplied as is, it's at your own risk.
I have quite a few eeproms (Only giving 4 away) so post your xbox version here and I'll try and supply your with an eeprom from the same version xbox.
All eeproms are from Pal (UK) xbox's.
Eeproms are 240k zipped so make sure you can handle that in your email if you do win.
Good luck, may the best joke's win
For those wanting a laugh check out www.cockeyed.com, the how much is inside is pretty funny.
Post by: therebelious1 on February 09, 2004, 04:57:00 AM
whats got two legs and bleeds?
half a dog!
edit:
i cant relly take any credit for this, but its still funny:
| QUOTE |
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" |
Post by: valius on February 09, 2004, 09:41:00 AM
I posted some jokes in the last thread you had do they still count?
Post by: desertboy on February 09, 2004, 12:06:00 PM
| QUOTE (valius @ Feb 9 2004, 07:41 PM) |
| Hi desertboy I posted some jokes in the last thread you had do they still count? |
I've made quite a few threads in the last year along these lines. I first tried selling eeproms (I do a side line in reflashing friends and friends of friends xbox's, all my friends now own chipped xbox's after they saw mine. I rip the eeproms because the TSOP is reflashed and the people using them aren't going to use live. I used to reprogram the eeproms but all new xboxs are just getting flashed with the new X2 bios instead.) Not worth the effort so I though I might as well give them away. What the hell else am I going to do with it.
Repost your old jokes in this thread.
Post by: mrRobinson on February 09, 2004, 12:18:00 PM
No one will stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
and
Wedding plans take care of themselves....
Post by: Blank on February 09, 2004, 01:44:00 PM
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all
of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
-----
Republicans:
A first grade teacher is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "then we'd be Republicans."
-----
Q:Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the hell out of the dogs!
-----
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"
The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"
"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"
To all those who read: Do not take offense to these. Thanks and enjoy!
Post by: GhostHavoc on February 09, 2004, 02:03:00 PM
| QUOTE (desertboy @ Feb 9 2004, 11:56 AM) |
| I've got 4 unbanned eeproms for grabs, for free all I want is a laugh. Post your jokes in this thread best 4 wins (1 eeprom per person) the winners will be picked 7 days from today. All eeproms are supplied as is, it's at your own risk. I have quite a few eeproms (Only giving 4 away) so post your xbox version here and I'll try and supply your with an eeprom from the same version xbox. All eeproms are from Pal (UK) xbox's. Eeproms are 240k zipped so make sure you can handle that in your email if you do win. Good luck, may the best joke's win For those wanting a laugh check out www.cockeyed.com, the how much is inside is pretty funny. |
Calling all men
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They can irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: They want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all the decisions.
Q: What do men think Rowe vs. Wade is?
A: Two ways to cross the river.
Q: How stupid are men about money?
A: Only a man would buy a $500 car and put in a $4000 stereo.
Q: Why do men have holes in their penises?
A: To get oxygen to their brains.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him and tell him he can only pick one.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A drunk man who smelled like rum sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of Bacardi was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, d'ya know what causes arthritis?
Yes, my son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol, having contempt
for your fellow men, sleeping around with prostitutes, lack of bath, and things like that....
Well, I'll be darn, the drunk muttered returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized saying:
I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strongly. How long have you had arthritis?
I don't have it, Father. I was just readin' here that the Pope does.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into
the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, " Oh my God! That's great! What should I pack?
Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
Post by: smouty on February 11, 2004, 12:02:00 AM
A washing machine doesn't try to call you after you've dumped your load in it.
You have to feel sorry for the dyslexic guy who went to a toga part dressed as a goat and sold his soul to santa.
Post by: Spency234 on February 11, 2004, 03:42:00 AM
| QUOTE (GhostHavoc @ Feb 9 2004, 07:03 PM) |
| A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, " Oh my God! That's great! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out." |
Best joke in this thread sofar.
Post by: Morglum on February 11, 2004, 03:48:00 AM
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
No one knows, it's never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.
What do you call 10 French politicians face down in the Channel?
A start.
How can you idenitfy a French infantryman?
Sunburned armpits.
Where can you find nearly 90,000,000 French jokes?
In France.
A Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a French train. Suddenly the train entered a tunnel. Being an old, crappy French model, there were no lights, and the whole train was plunged into darkness. In the dark, there was a kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train left the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happen, while the Frenchman was holding his face.
He was thinking that English feller must have kissed Claudia Schiffer, but her slap missed him and hit me instead.
Claudia Schiffer was thinking that French bloke must've tried to kiss me, but actually kissed the English bloke and got slapped for his troubles.
And the Englishman was thinking this is great. The next time this train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.
What's the difference between a French woman and a basketball team?
The basketball team showers after four periods.
Women are another one of life's pleasures. Unfortunately, French women put Chewbacca to shame. If hairy armpits were weapons, maybe the French wouldn't have lost every single war ever.
There now atleast one of them has to make you laugh
Post by: Zodiiak on February 11, 2004, 07:47:00 AM
Post by: Morglum on February 11, 2004, 07:49:00 AM
| QUOTE (Zodiiak @ Feb 11 2004, 05:47 PM) |
| Is this allowed in this forum? I would think this should be in the BST forum or something |
Why, he's not buying/selling/trading. He's giving them away for free if you make him laugh, hmm i guess thats a trade, 1 laugh gets you an eeprom
Post by: Zodiiak on February 11, 2004, 08:03:00 AM
| QUOTE (Morglum @ Feb 11 2004, 12:49 PM) | ||
Why, he's not buying/selling/trading. He's giving them away for free if you make him laugh, hmm i guess thats a trade, 1 laugh gets you an eeprom |
Well, I don't think GIVE-A-WAYS are allowed on XS. I believe this is posted in the BST forum. This is in fact some kind of trade, it has nothing to do with technical issues. Well, if it is in fact garabge or should be moved, shanafan will take care of it
Post by: Morglum on February 11, 2004, 08:11:00 AM
Though i think the mods wont mind this, i believe they were more refering to modchip give-aways and the likes, though i guess i could be wrong. Time will only tell
Post by: Slikmastah on February 11, 2004, 11:40:00 AM
Post by: Slikmastah on February 11, 2004, 04:13:00 PM
Why are black people tall, because their knee grows.
If you don't get this joke, im me or pm me, hahahaha
Post by: SICKdimension on February 11, 2004, 04:53:00 PM
Post by: Gus Man on February 11, 2004, 07:51:00 PM
Post by: therebelious1 on February 12, 2004, 05:06:00 AM
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
and
What's the difference between an Iraqi soldier and a British soldier?
Don't know?
Then welcome to the US Army
Post by: desertboy on February 12, 2004, 08:11:00 AM
| QUOTE (Zodiiak @ Feb 11 2004, 06:03 PM) | ||||
Well, I don't think GIVE-A-WAYS are allowed on XS. I believe this is posted in the BST forum. This is in fact some kind of trade, it has nothing to do with technical issues. Well, if it is in fact garabge or should be moved, shanafan will take care of it |
I've ran several threads like this with no problems. Regardless of rules we're all adults, Shanafan doesn't seem to mind so what's the problem.
Morglum you're right I do hate French people, you stand a good chance of winning one with your jokes.
Post by: Zodiiak on February 13, 2004, 09:57:00 AM
| QUOTE (desertboy @ Feb 12 2004, 01:11 PM) | ||||||
I've ran several threads like this with no problems. Regardless of rules we're all adults, Shanafan doesn't seem to mind so what's the problem. Morglum you're right I do hate French people, you stand a good chance of winning one with your jokes. |
Okay
Post by: itzkid on February 13, 2004, 06:53:00 PM
What's the point of jewish football?
To get their quarter back
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
Why don't jews ever go down on a woman?
Too close to the gas chamber
Why are mexicans so short?
When they're kids, their parents tell em "When you grow up you'll have to get a job"
How do you starve a mexican?
Hide their foodstamps under their work boots
What do you say to a mexican with a job?
Can I have fries with that
What do you find at a black dude's rummage sale?
Your bike
What do you call 2 black dude's on a bike?
Organized crime
Why don't you ever hit a black dude on a bike?
It might be your bike
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour
What's the flattest surface to iron your jeans on?
A white girl's ass
What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing
There's a jamaican a mexican a black guy and a white guy all on a boat to america. The black dude pulls out a forty takes 2 sips and tosses it overboard. The white guy yells "What the hell you doin! that's perfectly good alcohol!". The black dude replies "There's so much of it in america we don't need anymore". The white guy says "oh okay". The jamaican sparks up a joint, takes two hits and tosses it over board. tosses it over board. The white guy yells "What the hell you doin! that's perfectly good alcohol!". The jamaican dude replies "There's so much of it in america we don't need anymore". The white guy says "oh okay". About five minutes later the white guy gets up walks over to the mexican, picks him up and tosses him overboard.
A guy gets sent to hell, when he gets there the devil says he can pick how he wants to spend his eternity. The devil shows him one room where there's a man being stabbed over and over, the man is horrified. The devil takes him to the next room, where people are being burned for the rest of eternity, after hearing their screams the guy turns completely white and shakes his head. The devil takes him to the next room where there's a man getting a blowjob from a beautiful woman. The guy instantly says he wants that, so the devil walks up taps the girl on the shoulder and tells her she can go, they found a replacement.
There's a polish family of 4, a mom, a dad, a son and a daughter. One day the dad says I'm tired of being polish lets swim across the river to germany and then we'll be german. So the dad goes first and makes it with no problem. The mom went and and struggled a little at the end up made it fairly easyily. The son went next and just barely makes it, almost downed several times. The daughter goes last, gets about half-way through and drowns. The mom screams "nooooo my daughter". The dad shrugs his shoulders and says "who cares she was only polish anyways".
Post by: spicymeatball911 on February 14, 2004, 11:01:00 PM
Ahh screw it. Here it is in its raw form:
A black person, a mexican, and a chinese person jump of the roof of a building.
Who wins?
Society.
I'm half black, half latino and my wife is chinese so don't think I'm racist. It's just a funny joke, although racist.
Here's a nice NON-RACIST joke to clear the air:
How do you keep a baby from drowning at the bottom of the pool?
Take your foot off of it.
ZING!!!!
Post by: tkh on February 15, 2004, 04:25:00 AM
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio. The next guy said, I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari. The third guy says, I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, What are you guys talking about?'
Just about how good our sons are doing, the three men replied. Well, my son is doing very well, says the fourth man, He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.
AND HERS ANOTHER:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Thanks, hope you like them!
Post by: desertboy on February 15, 2004, 02:29:00 PM
Post by: Fuzzy on February 15, 2004, 02:48:00 PM
Post by: xboxpeerx on February 15, 2004, 03:49:00 PM
Post by: SICKdimension on February 15, 2004, 11:33:00 PM
how do you fit a 400 pound woman in a size 2 dress?
take the E out of EAR and the F out of WEIGH.
there's no f in weigh! (say it out loud if you don't get it right away)
Post by: tkh on February 16, 2004, 12:00:00 AM
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
And Another:
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
LAST ONE:
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Thanks again
Post by: spicymeatball911 on February 16, 2004, 09:01:00 AM
Ripping it off.
Whats the difference between a cadilac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a cadilac in my garage.
Post by: desertboy on February 16, 2004, 03:03:00 PM
http://forums.xbox-s...opic=168159&hl=
I'll include those jokes as well
And the winners are in no particular order
Valius for the nun joke
GhostHavoc for the lottery joke
Morglum for anyone of his anti french rantings
Itzkid for his mexican jokes
I've only got 3 eeproms on my HD the other one is still in my brothers xbox.
The first 3 of you to respond get the eeprom straight away, the other one will have to wait until friday so I can rip it.
Post by: desertboy on February 16, 2004, 03:04:00 PM
| QUOTE (xboxpeerx @ Feb 16 2004, 01:49 AM) |
| Okay guys he said make him laugh, not just copy a ton of jokes from websites.... any ways here's my attempt:  Dont find the pic too amusing? ... think about when I went out to the bathroom to wash it off and my sister asked what the hell was on my ass |
That's disturbing you can have the other eeprom I haven't ripped yet (Friday as well). Just don't do anything like that again.
Post by: BulletMag on February 17, 2004, 01:07:00 PM
None.... fuck her, let her make dinner in the dark !!
--------------------------------
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes ?
Nothing you've told her twice already.
--------------------------------
Guy walks into a bar dressed in a hospital gown and orders 3 jack daniels,
he knocks thes back and orders 3 more, again he knocks these back as quick as the first as he orders 3 more the barman looks at him puzzled to which the man says "i really shouldn't be drinking with what i have" "and what might that be" says the barman"
"15 pence" the man replys
--------------------------------
please dont be offended by these jokes take them for what they are merely words, i am neither a wife beater or a sexist.
Post by: BuffaloTrace on February 17, 2004, 01:44:00 PM
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods......the bear turns to the rabbit and say "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabit replies, "Yeah sometimes"..............................So the bear whipes his ass with the rabbit.
Post by: Morglum on February 18, 2004, 07:01:00 AM
And im responding to the thread so i gotta get it now 
Post by: rs6 n2o on January 30, 2005, 05:26:00 PM
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"