Last year my Nan picked up greenfly. I used some antiseptic paste and it seemed to help, but Im sorry to say, I went back to see the poor old girl a few days later and the green fly are back with full force. Not only have they now taken over both feet, it also seems the clever little devils have got into her nervous system and as a result of this, she cant stop twitching. I think the green fly is having some ill-effect on the neurotransmitters deep inside her brain. I may be wrong, but I think they have also infiltrated the brain stem itself.
At the local hospital, the Doctor said he looked at her head X-rays and the cerebellum now looks like a fat olive, with what looks like Stripe smut on the outer edges. As you may or may not know, Stripe smut occurs most commonly on Kentucky bluegrass, occasionally on bentgrass and very rarely if at all in the brains of old birds like my Nan. I have spent the last two days trying to stop the old girl from sucking all the sap out of the trees at the end of her garden, but to no avail. She's done the lot. If she keeps going on at this rate, by the end of the week, there wont be a single tree left within a mile radius of her home.
Also, Im having quite a time trying to convince the local park-keepers that its quite normal for an 84 year old woman to dress in what looks like a green PVC outfit and to be swinging from tree to tree, sucking sap as she goes. Its not a PVC dress as you know, but how could I tell them that shes got greenfly! I dont think they would let her back in the park if they knew the all facts. So I just said, she's from up north and its all the rage up there. You know, with all these new fads going around, who could say I was wrong.
When asked by the local police "what the hell is she doing up there", I could only reply "shes doing her tree thing". I mean, what else could I say! What would they think if I told them she's turning into a human tree sap sucker-upper! And who would believe it was all down to a spot of untreated green fly! And may I just add, I did try nipple stroking as suggested in my health book, but that seems to bring the pathogen out on to her face and her underarms. Sorry to say it, but right now she looks like a big fat stuffed green potato with sap oozing from every orifice. Its not a very nice sight for the eyes, and even at the best of times the smell is getting somewhat overpowering.
And then theres the weekly shopping trip to our local supermarket, its become quite a mission for me. What was once a nice simple trip to the shops has now become a military style operation. I dare not pass by any of the grocery products for fear that the lot would get sucked dry in an instant. I made this mistake last week and I had to pay for the lot at a cost of about £300. But I must say, once she got going, I and few on-lookers were very impressed, as she made the other freeze-dried products they had on sale look like a joke. Ive never seen so many dried vegetables appear so fast in one place! And how could I forget the last time we went to Tesco's! All was well, until she spotted the fruit and veg stand. I turned my back only for a second and she was gone. It then took me an hour or so to persuade the old bird to climb down from the fruit stand and put her clothes back on. She did climb down in the end, but not before sucking dry a large number of cabbages that lay to her left hand side.
That in itself I found quite odd because, before the greenfly, she never liked cabbages. And I'm sure back then, she would never think of sucking any amount of juice from them, no matter how plump and ripe they may have looked. Anyway, once again I found myself paying the bill for that little slip up. I'm happy to say that the potatoes she had her eye on were saved, as they were just out of her reach. If she was a few years younger, I'm sure they would have suffered the same fate. And thank God I got to her before she started resonating. I will explain that problem a bit later. Also, Im forever being told to go back and pay at the checkout counter. If the staff had any brains at all, they would see its not a plant walking out the door with me, but my dear old Nan. Im thinking of getting some sort of photo ID made up to stop this confusion, as its very embarrassing for the both of us.
Plus, any sort of garden centre, no matter what the size, at this point is a NO GO! The centre we used to visit had to close down this year. They simply could not cope with the continued onslaught my sap-sucking Nan would bring with each visit. We would walk into a lovely green garden centre full of colour and life and by the time we left, it looked like a ten-year drought had hit the place.
Its been six weeks now since the first day I realised there was a problem and Im astounded at the rate of her decline. As each day goes by, she becomes less my Nan and more like a human deforesting /dry-freeze machine. I was thinking of hiring her out and putting this new found talent (if you can call it that) to use, but I found that wouldnt work, as she seems to run out of control if left to her own devices. The only way I can explain this is if you were to imagine a 1000 watt amp on full volume and you put a mic next to the speakers. You get feedback from hell, right! What I mean is, once she starts (if theres no form of control), she goes into a feedback-feeding loop, and Im sure if she goes too deep for too long, shell end up resonating at dangerous frequencies. This would, in turn, be a danger to any small towns within a few miles and the local wildlife would never quite recover.
The same could be said about her mental state, as all this could affect the cerebellum and as the doctor already said, its in a sad state as it is. So, any form of money-making seems out the window at this time.
So on to my question. Do you think I could obtain some sort of man-made tree sap? That way, I can pipe that into her each day. This will save the local trees and save me a lot of headache. Not to say, the time saved by me not having to pull the old girl from the trees, as she has a tendency to get stuck from time to time.
