Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.
The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.
Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?
The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?
