I would suggest a Sony, Canon or an Olympus. I personally use Sony cameras (motion and still) but they have been removing a lot of features lately. Their image quality is top notch though, as well as their build quality. I have no camera younger than 5 years old, and they all still work. I just had to clean the head of my Digital Camcorder for the 2nd time in 7 years. Now it works perfect again.
Canons are easy to use and produce decent quality pictures too. I have 1 Canon that I received as a gift. It works fine, but even though it has more megapixels than my Sony, the images seem a bit "washed" comparatively.
Olympus makes really good cameras. I have never used one, but an old roommate I had swore by them.
I don't think you need to focus on megapixels at all. Where the technology is, you can no longer buy cameras without a sufficient amount of pixels. I would focus more on image quality, which is not related to megapixels whatsoever, and features.
I know you said zoom wasn't important, but I disagree with you. Optical zoom is extremely important. You can't fake it. You can digitally zoom on your computer as far as you want so pay no attention to the rated digital zoom. Get a camera with decent optical zoom and you will be happy.
The things you "lol"ed about are automated on most consumer grade cameras. Those features are what Sony has been removing, and now they are automated. If you want manual control of those you need to upgrade to a semi-pro/pro camera. There is no need for you to do that, for now. Or, you could buy an older camera, that still has those features built in.