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[desertboy]

I've got a job living on a campsite in Italy for 5-6 months and I have one eeprom left for grabs. Funniest joke wins, I might have 2-3 eeproms in which case they all go to the funniest joke. Winner is picked the day I leave the country (Or day before) which will be around March 10th give or take a day.

EDIT:: Update I had my dates changed from march 10th to 28th so rather than leave you waiting, as I have a couple of spares now (Busy week). 1 every Sunday until I go, any spares I have left I'll give away on the last day I'm in the country.

[Lord Magnus]

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger. On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first.

"Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."

"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed. "If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie."


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Why women go to the bathroom together?
-because one sits on the toilet, and the other one squishes her head.

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What matters it's what's on the inside...
-Jack the ripper.

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Say NO to drugs...
We're a lot of people and there's not to much.

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Why women don't need a car?
-Because bedroom, laundryroom and kitchen are within walking distance.

=================

[qbanboy14]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Treat yourself! Have a cookie! And remember, flour is a veggie!

[qbanboy14]

The Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I
went
up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked
Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished the second ticket and
put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets
he
wrote. I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important

[qbanboy14]

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

[qbanboy14]

blind man enters a Bar. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
you should know five things...

1 -- The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 -- The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 -- I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4 -- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weight lifter.

5 -- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm going have to explain it five times..."
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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

When he arrived in the attendants' ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice!"

So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

[desertboy]

Updated the rules see 1st post, I had to add this joke.


Old Man

An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office when the nurse came out and said, "Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before he examines you."

The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said, "What did you say?"

The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, "We're going to need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr. Jones."

The old man leaned forward and said, "What did you say, young lady?", then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, "what'd she say?"

His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, "She said she wants your shorts!"

[Tobias Redfield]

It was a nice sunny day outside so the Father thinks its a fine day for a little sunbathing, so he goes an lay down nude in his sunchair. A few minutes later his son shows up, he asks his dad "Dad I found a birds nest and a snake is attacking it, what should I do?" His dad being drowsy says "..mmm just go take...care of it" not opening an eye. A few hours later the father finds himself in a white room, he squints in pain as he wakes up. The Doctor rushes over and aks if he is alright, the father says "what the hell happened? whats goin on?!!

The doctor rushes off at the nurses call, an he sees his son who apporaches him "Daddy don't worry I took care of the bird's nest, I wacked the snake with a stick an when its eggs poped out I stomped em out, an then I set fire to the nest" As his son finishes he looks down and sees a giant cast around his pelvis.

[Black2lip]

Don't know if this is an appropriate one to tell but no offence to anyone.

An old man arrives at the doctor...

Doctor: Sir I have two bad things to tell you.
Old man: Well just start with the first.
Doctor: Well sir our research has proven that you have cancer.
Old man: Oh fuck and what is the 2nd bad thing?
Doctor: You're also suffering from Alzeimer
Old man: Oh thank god I almost thought for a second you where going to tell me I have cancer.

[SlickSnak3]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a bloody marry. The third simply asks for a cup of boiling water.

The bartender asks "Why didn't you order blood like the other vampires?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[Xversatile]

Knock knock











Whos there?
























GO FUCK YOURSELF

[dubx99]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[kezzz]

Whats the difference between 1000 dead babies and an overturned truck of rice?

You can't pick rice up with a pitchfork

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Whats the difference between 1000 dead babies and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

               

[jacobesterque]

this is a great joke my brother told me ... real stupid but funny to cetain people:

you: knock knock
them: who's there?
you: (your first name)
them: (your first name) who?
you: (your first and last name)

[CarCrashClutter]

Q:  Why couldn't Sally ride her new bike?

A:  Sally had Cerebral Pulsy


Q:  What did the blind/deaf/mute boy get for Christmas?

A:  Cancer


Q:  Why was Hellen Kellar (a blind/deaf/mute) a bad driver?

A:  She's a woman


Q:  How come the little girl fell off the swing?

A:  She lost her arms in a car accident two years prior


::Nock Nock::

Who is it?

It's the police.  Your son got hit by a car.