I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality: -If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly. -If you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2". -If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5". -If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call. -If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press. -If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
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This hair lip gets a job at toothbrush distributor. The first week goes by and the hair lip is leading the company in sales his first week. 2nd week, the hair lip is stretching his lead. So the manager goes to him and says man, you come in here and you are our best salesman, out selling everyone else combined...what is your secret.
The hair lip says "whellll, I go down to the beesh and I shet up a thable with ships(chips) and dip and people are oush schwimmin and pwaying and dey geth hunry, so they come up and I shay "hey here you go, have some ships and dip" so dey come shrew the line and dey geth some ships and dey tick in the dip and den dey shay "OH MY GOD....THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT" and I shay...."it is shit...wanna buy a toothbrush?"
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A guy goes into a bar with his monkey for a drink. The monkey suddenly goes nuts; jumping all over the bar, the pool table, etc. Then he grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. Bartender says, "did you see that?" The guy says, "yeah I'd wish he'd quit it!"
Two weeks later, they come into the bar again. The monkey starts going nuts again, then he sees a grape, sticks it up his ass, then swallows it. Bartender says "Eeewww, that's disgusting!" The guy says "I know, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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A guy walks into a bar dragging a trunk. He throws the trunk up on the bar and opens it. He pulls out a miniature piano and stool. The guys orders whiskey and starts knocking them back. Meanwhile, this little man climbs out of the trunk and starting playing the piano.
The bartender comes over and says "Where did you find the mini musician?"
The guys pulls out an old oil lamp and answers "I got this here lamp. It's supposed to give you wishes but the damn things busted."
The bartenders eyes get really big and after a moment he asks "Can I borrow that for a minute?"
The guys chucks it at him and says "You can have it!"
The bartender runs into the back room and rubs the lamp furiously. Smoke billows out of the lamp and a genie appears. Before the genie can say anything the bartender says "I want a million bucks!" A moment later the windows begin to shatter and flocks of ducks fly in through the broken windows. The bartender is forced out of the room by the incoming birds.
So, the bartender staggers over the the guy with the trunk and says "Hey, this lamp doesn't work! I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks!!"
The guy says "Yeah, you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist!?!"
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Two guys were in University taking chemistry . They were so confident going into the final that two days before exams, they decided to go up to Las Vegas and party with some friends. They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to their university until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Las Vegas for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).
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Topic: It's That Time Again (Read 249 times)