Print

[desertboy]

There was another thread in the old online gaming section, where I gave away eeproms. That seems to be locked now so I've made this new thread. As topic says Eeprom for a joke best joke wins an eeprom.

Some quick pointers

1. My decision is my decision only to make, I choose a winner no one else.
2. One of the previous winner had problems with an eeprom I sent him, I have had no porblems my self and flashed and backed up at least 20 eeproms now.
3. All eeproms will be Pal
4. I offer no guarantee with the eeproms
5. I don't mind Racial jokes, sexist jokes and sick jokes as long as we have a healthy balance e.g not just 100 jokes about black people or irish jokes. Let's try to keep it at least a bit witty and not just full of rednecks.
6. One winner a week (I know I missed last weeks winner but I was beaten heavily on Thursday night by towny wankers, I might post a picture of my face so you can all enjoy my scars)
7. The xbox's the eeproms are ripped from have reflashed TSOP's, have never been used on live and I reprogram their eeproms with a known banned eeprom. Oh and yes my "customers" are told they will never be able to use live.

There are 3 eeproms up for grabs now (Maybe more, depends if I get anymore xbox's to reflash the TSOP's of)

1st winner next Tuesday


Note to mods if this is in the wrong section feel free to move but I would appreciate a PM to tell me it's been moved.


Good luck and remember you can post as many jokes as you like the best joke only wins.

[Quiksilver1047]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[SLuSHIE]

ok these are true stories about me and my experiences

1. last year me, my friend, and 2 other people had to read a short story that the teacher assigned us to and we all had to read a quarter of it. so we read it over, and there is a line in the story saying "I love you more then Mike Hunt". sounds like my cunt hehe. So, I volunteer myself reading it and so i read it infront of the class and i said that in great expression "I love you more then Mike Hunt". I started bauling out laughing so did everyone else, it was so fucking funny.

2. we have an apple tree in our backyard and a playground across the street. there was several little kids in the playground, i dared my friend to throw an apple to scare some kids. so he did, and he hit a little kid square in the face with it, and i end up getting introuble for it. oh and the babysitter said i purposely did that (which i didnt) to sexually abuse her, and she called me a child molester.

3. there is also a school across the street from me, and jean vanier (handicapped people go there) they have these HUGE red exercise balls. i got dared to steal one. so i go in there, when no one was watching i bolted out of the door with it and across my street with this huge red exercise ball, i throw it over the fence into my yard and hit my dog with it. then my dad comes out and says "where the fuck u get that ball from?!" i said "they gave it to us" he believed me.

4. ok this is my most fucked up story...i can snap very easily and am pretty psychotic. well i was playing madden 2003 on xbox, and i couldnt beat a fucking mini camp drill i was on it for almost 2 weeks, still couldnt beat it. that day i was playing it for 3 hours and i had enough. i threw the xbox controller threw my window in my room which leads to the yard, and hit my little cousin in the head. i seriously dont know what it is with me and hitting people in the head / friends hitting people in the head but it always happens. and after that i just let out my anger and yelled fuck for a while. my parents sent me to a psychiatrist for 1 appointment. 2 weeks later i did beat it tho

5. i have to add this one since this is dealing with hitting heads once again. me, my friend and another kid was playing hockey with us in the tennis court. my friend went to the other side to get the tennis balls while we were cleaning up on the other side. my friend took a slap shot and said he was trying to hit me in the head. well, he hit the other kid in the head and knocked him out. who got in shit for it? i did once again, for laughing at him.

6. another incident with me was i once thought you know under neath the stove u can pull it out and u can keep shit in there well once late at night i fell asleep on my couch, was walking to bed and pissed in there i opened it up ( i thought it was the lid ) and pissed in there. boy i got in some  big shit.

i have so many more funny stories, but this will have to do. this took me 19 minutes to type!

[Carnavore]

^ those are great stories  

[whoknew]

OK, so this guy walks into a bar. He looks at a jar and it says, "apples, $5" So he says to the bartender, "$5? you gotta be kidding me." THe bartender says, "They taste like peaches and cream." The guy says, "no way... wha the hell I'll buy one." So he gives the bartender 5 bucks and takes an apple. The guy takes a bite and says, "Whoa, it does taste like peaches, but wheres the cream?" The Bartender replies, "Turn it over." The guy turns it over and says, "wow! your right! what other flavors do you have?" So the bartender says, We also have peanut butter and jelly." The guy says, "Oh! i have got to try this one. So he hands the bartender 5 bucks and takes an apple.  He bites into it and says, "Whoa, it does taste like peanut butter, but wheres the jelly?" The Bartender replies, "Turn it over." The guy turns it over and says, "wow! your right! what other flavors do you have?" So the bartender leans over the bar and says, "Well, I have a secret stash of apples that taste like a pussy." The guy goes, "Gimme one of those, i have got to taste this one!" HE gives the bartender 5 bucks and takes an apple." He takes a bite and spits it out, saying, "Yechhh this tastes like ass!" To which the bartender replies.... "Turn it over!"

[neo-dilly]

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
she called me to get my phone number.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tried to drown a fish.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

she studied for a blood test.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

[Mad_Gouki]

this is a true story a guy on another private board im a member of posted... theres also a follow up to the story!
part 1:

QUOTE

With my Kombi, suitably named Frogger, loaded up with my surfboards, petrol, food, and an esky full of beers, I rolled around to pick up Trish and Lana before heading up the coast for what was certain to be the greatest road trip in the history of pissing off work to go surfing. It was a little after midday on Monday, and as I walked into the girls place I was confronted by Lana staggering towards me before falling on me, almost dragging me to the ground. It seemed that she’d only just got in from the previous night, and she was absolutely blind drunk, it was classic. It was a bender of epic proportions, and I must say I was inspired Trish had taken it upon herself to cook us up a big curry before we left, and having sampled her cooking previously I politely declined, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Rule number one of traveling, don’t eat curry or baked beans or any other methane producing food, for fucks sake, you’re in a car So after choking that down we grabbed their gear, and I had to carry Lana to the van since her legs had given way and I couldn’t bare to watch her fall face first into the bichumen any more. We got our gear together, fired up some classic driving songs on the stereo, and headed out of Sydney Once on the freeway we discovered that Frogger had a not so respectable top speed of around 100km/h. We were certainly in no danger of getting any speeding fines at this rate, but we didn’t care, as long as we got there we were happy Around 100km out of Sydney, somewhere near Wyong, Lana was still passed out in the back as No Second Prize by Jimmy Barnes was blasting out of the speakers at full volume. We were approaching a bit of a hill, and as I glanced down at the speedometer there was a thud, and suddenly I lost power as the speedo needle began to make an unrelenting movement towards zero. I looked out the back window and saw nothing but smoke. Frogger had shit himself, and done it in a big way I pulled over and Trish and I quickly jumped out and raced for the engine hatch as smoke continued to billow out and oil sprayed all over the road. I knew it was bad, really bad, and it seemed that what was to be a perfect trip had taken a turn for the worse. The only luck we seemed to have was that there was a roadside assistance phone only 200m away, so dejected I walked towards it and ordered a tow truck After a mere 15 minute wait the towie arrived and loaded us up onto the truck. He took us down the road to a service center on the southbound side of the Highway. There was no town within sight, just a Caltex service station and truck-stop, a McDonalds, and what appeared to be a mechanic. The tow truck driver dropped us and the car outside the mechanic and left us to fend for ourselves By now it was 4pm, and the mechanic was just packing it in for the day. I told him our problem and after a quick look at the engine he diagnosed a dropped cylinder. Disaster, this would result in an entire engine overhaul at the cost of around $2000, money that we simply didn’t have. He told us that he’d find us a new engine in the morning, and all we could do was hang around in what I’ve declared to be the worst place ever I must admit I was feeling a bit sorry for Lana. She was feeling as crook as rookwood, she really wasn’t in a good way. She was still a bit drunk and also fighting off a ridiculous hangover. Put that on top of her boyfriend leaving her the previous night and suffering from tonsillitis, she wasn’t at her best, and here we were with a dead car stuck in the middle of bloody nowhere It seemed that there was only one thing to do, and that was empty my esky of beers and look at porn, so me and Trish loaded ourselves up with beer and headed into Caltex to read the latest Picture and People magazines. It was while we were having a laugh at the girls that had sent in pictures of themselves for the Homegirls section that I devised a cunning and almost brilliant plan. If I took nude photos of the two girls we’d be sitting on a small fortune. They’d easily win being both very good sorts, and with a $500 prize each that would surely cover the costs of the breakdown Grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of seeing some muff I went back to the van to tell Lana to get her gear off. Unfortunately she didn’t share the same enthusiasm and my plan had been foiled. There was only one thing I could do now, keep boozing it up and come up with a bigger and better plan, and I didn’t let myself down By this time I’d probably necked around 12 beers, and suddenly I came up with a plan that I thought was fucken clever. Not only would it easily raise as much money as we’d need but it would also get us instant cash. So I headed over to the truck-stop and made my rounds with the truckers trying to find a bloke I could pimp the girls out to. I’ll never understand why the girls weren’t up for it, who would ever knock back an overweight trucker with a mullet, come on It must’ve been getting late, and I think the bloke at Caltex was beginning to tire of my drunken behaviour, so he buffed us with all the leftover pies and sausage rolls in a feeble effort to get rid of us. Free food was just what we needed, and soon after that we decided to pack it in, and back to the van we went The great thing about pissing it up was that it wasn’t hard for me to fall asleep, and I must’ve gone out like a light. However my slumber was short lived. I was awoken at around 3am by Trish lying practically on top of me, snoring directly into my ear. Believe me, it could’ve woken the dead, it was horrible After that I had a most restless night until I finally gave up trying to sleep and made the effort to get out of bed at a little after 8am. I threw the blanket off myself only to discover that I was wearing nothing but a sock. I’m still not sure about what point of the night my boxers vanished, but they were gone. I was forced to ever so delicately get out of bed and slip them back on before the girls woke up, and I managed to do it, disaster averted, but only just I headed straight for the mechanic feeling a little the worse for wear, and he informed me that his search for an engine had not been a fruitful one. It seems that he’d only tracked down one engine, and it would cost us $2200, plus labour to install it. We were fucked, plain and simple. I talked it over with the girls and we knew we had to look for an alternative Many bad ideas crossed my mind, most of them involving either towing the Kombi back home and dealing with it there, tracking down another engine from somewhere else, or cutting my losses and selling Frogger to a wrecker. None of the options were particularly appealing, but we were in no position to have a wide variety of choices. We needed a miracle, and we got one, but it didn’t come without a cost I ran into a bloke, Shaun was his name, who’d just broken down. I told him of our predicament and he got on the blower to his mate, Randall. It seemed that Randall had seen a Kombi for sale in Newcastle, around 45 minutes north, for sale for $450. If I could buy that, drive it back, and then swap the engines I’d be set. So Randall set about tracking down the Kombi as a car turned up with the parts for Shaun’s car. It turned out that the three fellas in this car work for Randall, and they’d be able to give me a lift to Newcastle. Then it got even better, Randall tracked down the Kombi only to find that the bloke was mates with these three blokes, so he took the Kombi to their place and it would be waiting there for me. Things were working out just perfectly, but only momentarily The three blokes were without a doubt the biggest bogans ever. Mullets were standard procedure, and everything about them screamed inbred. By chance another of their mates turned up. He was heading straight back to their place at Torro, just outside Newcastle, so I hopped into his Mitsubishi Magna and we were off We didn’t get far at all, showing off in front of the boys on the wide open gravel plains of the truck-stop he lost it and ploughed straight into an embankment, rolling the car several times. I ended up in the back seat. We somehow walked away unscathed, I don’t know how, if I had my seatbelt on I’d be dead. The car is a write-off

QUOTE

Believe me, that did very little to improve my hangover, he’d made a right mess of things. We dragged the car back to the mechanics and then headed for Torro with the bogans to get my new Kombi I tell you what, rolling a car does very little to deter these bogans from flogging the guts out of their cars. I don’t think we dropped below 160km/h the whole way to Newcastle. We topped 200km/h for most of the time, it was ludicrous, but we got there in one piece and I grabbed my new Kombi for $450. It’s unregistered and therefore illegal to drive it, but I had little choice, I had to get it back to where the girls were waiting I made it back safely and was then informed by the mechanic that it’d be $600 to swap the engines. I’d just emptied my pockets paying for the car, and the girls would also struggle for the necessary finances. Decisions decisions, it was quite the conundrum. After much delegation we decided to swap the number plates over on the Kombis and drive the new one home. This would prove to be sketchy since the engine is missing badly, and it must’ve backfired at least 50 times on the way home. This did not please Lana who was stuck in the back on the floor and panicking a bit. By now I thought it was all hilarious anyway so I didn’t care, but we made it home Now I have a problem, Frogger is still stranded up there and I need to organize a trailer to put it on and borrow a car with enough pulling power to tow it home. It’s at the mercy of the bogans and will probably be nicked by the time I make it back up, so I’m pretty much fucked. I really want it back too since apart from the engine, a few good panels, and new tyres, my new kombi is crap, doesn’t even have a handbrake. Once everything is sorted out it’s great to know that it’s costing me over a grand to spend a night in the middle of nowhere, and I might not even get my car back.

part 2:

QUOTE

Ok, my luck actually got worse. Turns out the car I bought was stolen. I swapped the number plates with those of my other car so that if the cops drove behind me and did a quick check they wouldn't get me for driving an unregistered car home. That means that the plates from the stolen car were on my car which was stranded up the coast. The cops found the car up the coast with the stolen plates on it but realised that the engine number didn't match the plates. With the engine number they know that it's my car. The mechanic there told them I swapped the plates so I could drive the stolen/unregistered car home. So, I'm in possession of a stolen car, I drove a stolen/unregistered/uninsured car home, I stole numberplates (off myself, but still) in order to drive it home undetected, and the list goes on. Help me, I am fucked.

the guys nick is Walloper, he has still been posting so i guess he got it all resolved

MOD EDIT: Pics were a little too big, even for a 1024*768 viewer. I downsized, and hosted the new pics.

[Mad_Gouki]

and heres another
"A chicken and an egg are lyin in bed together... the chicken sparks up a cigarette and says "ah well that fuckin solves that then dont it""

edit:
thanks for the re-size shanyafan, and sorry!

[RiceCake]

^ Stolen joke lol...

[desertboy]

We have a winner Mad_Gouki PM me your email address and I'll send you the eeprom as an attachment.

A day late I know I'm slack but what can you do.

[desertboy]

Been a bit slack but bought a copy of 007 yesterday so keep them coming and I'll have some eeproms heading to some funny guys.

I've got a backlog of xbox's to do so more eeproms on the way.

I'll pick a winner as soon as I extract my first eeprom from someone's xbox (Probably mon/tues)

[stevey500]

How do " DO NOT WALK ON GRASS " signs get there?

[The Messenjah]

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

[desertboy]

Back in business, flashed my first xbox in a while tonight but forgot to get the eeprom.

But I got a couple of xbox's coming on Mon/Tues next week so post some jokes and the funniest joke in the whole thread wins the first eeprom.

Then every tuesday after that the best joke of the week wins until I run out of eeproms again.

I would send you my eeprom from my unchipped xbox but I'm kind of saving it for live when I eventually get into it. (Also a spare I can flash if needed.)


What do you give a pedophile who has everything?
A. A bigger parish.


What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.


Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free.
On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.
The first nun says to the mother superior who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."
So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "Fuck off!"


Jesus walks into an inn, walks up to the bar, throws three nails on the counter and says to the girl,
"Hey do you think you can put me up for the night?"


God thought It was about time Jesus got another job,so he called him over and said "Im going to offer you two jobs".
The first is on earth paying £35,000.
The second is on venus paying £30,000.
Jesus thought for a minute and said "I'll take the one on Venus"
God said but it's only paying £30,000
Jesus said "yes but last time I was on earth I was hammered with tax"


To get us restarted!

[Mordenkainen]

Ok, here is my entry. Its sort of a tongue twister.

The objective among my friends was to see who could say it the fastest without laughing or screwing up the words. This got harder as you got drunker.

I didn't break it up at all, so it may be a little hard to read, but remember the objective here is to say it as fast as you can, so I thought having it all clumped together kind of gave it that feel...

Try it out, it's harder than it looks!

The Death of 69 Thousand.

T’was the day of the kings castration. They gave him a ball. Which one? His left one. All around the table sat the count, the discount, the no-count, and the recount, all flinging camel turd, for in those days bullshit was unheard of. The king stood up in his diamond studded jock and David rode up on his big stud horse and said “Ho!”. The king said “Which ho?”. David said “Asshole!”, thus scoring to points for the common people. David asked “Where’s the princess?”, the king replied “In bed with Diphtheria.”. David said “Is that damn Greek back in town again?”. For his intentions David was thrown to the lions. He snuck up behind one of the great burly beasts and grabbed his left nut. The lion said “That tickles.”. David said “What tickles?”, and the lion said “Testicles.”, thus scoring two points for the lions. David escaped from his horrible death. As he approached the king he stepped in camel turd, camel turd flew at random. Random ducked and camel turd hit the king in the face. The king screamed “Shit!” and all around the countryside people squatted and groaned for in those days the kings word was law. David asked “Where’s the princess?”, the king yelled “Fuck the princess!”, and sixty nine thousand people were trampled to death for in those days the kings word was law.



Morden.